Cronos.

How do you stop yourself from being consumed by the very monster you despise?

Even so, how do you prevent yourself from embodying the antithesis of your own principles? Seeing yourself turning into the parent that you hated and painfully realising that your very offspring is going to crucify you for the same mistakes you critiqued your very folks for. The never ending cycle of pain and immorality.

Some choose to call it "a generational curse". For me it is not a curse, rather something less sinister. I acknowledge that it can be a never ending cycle; one characterised by a combination of poor decision making, misplaced trust and misfortune.

I was fascinated by various lore and mythology growing up and the Greek pantheon was my favorite. Playing a video game from Santa Monica Studios called God of War 2 only added fuel to my burning curiosity. Well for Cronos the Titan, paranoia led to his downfall. A fear that's so great it consumes you and leaves you as a shadow of your former self.

What do you do then, when you see yourself slowly turning into the monster you have always despised. I have had this hidden in my drafts for a really long time for obvious reasons. Emotion drives me and is interwoven in almost everything I write, most times to my own detriment.

I have my demons that I fight with everyday. I battle with paranoia in a way that is subtle and unsettling even for me. Paranoia, like a silent specter, has crept into my thoughts, casting doubt and suspicion on everything around me. It's a subtle yet unnerving companion, always lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce on any perceived threat. This constant state of vigilance has taken a toll on my relationships and overall well-being.

My unforgiving nature has been equally problematic. Once I've formed an opinion or judgment about someone, it's incredibly difficult to let go.

This stubbornness has led to strained relationships on my end and a sense of bitterness that has clouded my perspective on life in general. It's draining to go into every relationship expecting disappointment; business, romantic or otherwise.

It is crazy and I know. At times its hard to tell if its even self preservation or self sabotage. In the end I know it always leaves me yearning for more.

It's easy to feel trapped by the expectations of our culture. I'm Zimbabwean and like most who grow up in an African household, I've often felt the pressure to conform to traditional norms, suppressing my emotions and prioritizing respect for elders. However, this internal conflict has taken a toll on my mental health and well-being.

I remember this counselling session I had and I could tell that the "counsellor" was left perplexed.

Rattled.

I left him, my sister and mother speechless but the apathy I felt in that moment was unnerving even for me. We are African, being opinionated and condemning of those who are older than us is taboo.

As the proud Samanyika that I am, I've often felt the pressure to conform to traditional norms, suppressing my emotions and prioritizing respect for elders. I won't pretend to act like I grew up in a super cultural household, but there are values instilled in you that you never let go.

Tsika/Unhu/Hunhu/Ubuntu/Mirairidzo; values set in stone that going against them scraps and ebbs a hole in you conscience with each act of insolence you make.

However, this internal conflict I was dealing with had taken a toll on my mental health and well-being.

There is the unwritten rule that I broke and I still think of it as a turning point in my life to this day. No matter how angry you get, as long as you are younger, you watch what you say and how you say it - something which I am very aware of, but in this instance I simply did not care how it was going to look. There are lines we don't cross, ''Kufukura hapwa" as they say.

I went rogue.

I used to bottle up my emotions, wearing a mask and piling my pain on endless pages of unpublished stories and blog posts. The beauty in that was at the time, it gave me an illusion of control - which is honestly what I craved with all the chaos that surrounded me.

Despite the cultural taboo of being opinionated and critical of those older than us, I found myself expressing my feelings openly and honestly. The sheer force of my emotions overwhelmed those around me, leaving them speechless.

"He's dead to me, he has always been for some time now.''

In that moment, I felt a sense of liberation. I had broken free from the constraints of societal expectations, allowing my true self to shine through. However, this newfound freedom also came with a sense of unease. The apathy I felt was a stark reminder of the emotional turmoil I had been suppressing for so long.

I remember vividly how they all looked at me, almost as if to say, "We are hurt and angry, but are we really that angry? He's still our father."

I gave a look back so as to say, "Well, since he's my father too, I thought I could say how I feel at least, can't I?"

Well being completely honest, I didn't have any control with how I was feeling since I had been a slave to my own thoughts for 4 years. I had been living with resentment and having to act fine to save face, now that I could feel the release of letting my feelings known, I could not have predicted the response I would get.

Just as much as I know that sharing these thoughts on here, leaves me at the mercy of my readers.

All 3 of you.

I appreciate you for tuning in to this sob story and others I will continue post here, thank you.

Why Cronos?

Cronos was a primordial being, a titan of Greek mythology. He usurped his father and assumed power. As fate would have it, he was told that one of his offspring would overthrow him as well, just as he did. Blinded by paranoia, he resorted to eating each child as they were born to make sure that he would delay the prophesy. Long story short, in the end he was overthrown, as the youngest of his children Zeus, escaped, grew up and overthrew him.

Cronos' story is rich in symbolism. His association with time is evident in his name, which means "time" in Greek. Nomatter how hard you try, you cannot stop the inevitable, you can merely delay it. His actions can be seen as a reflection of the cyclical nature of time and the inevitability of change. Cronos's legacy continues to be felt today. He is often depicted in art and literature, and his story has been reinterpreted in various forms of media.

Time has done a number on me. Knowing what I knew for the time I did, the context was bad. Having time to myself with those thoughts was damaging. It led me down a path of resentment and apathy which I am not proud of.

And I fear the same fate will befall me. I grew to learn resentment, embodying the power that comes with hate and negativity, using it as my fuel to write. I really feel like most of my best work stems from my pain.

If this is how I came to write, what will become of my son? Will the pain of my own faults be the one thing that will put my daughter on the world stage?

I mentioned paranoia and sadly that's the state of my mind I now find myself in. I am not quick to judge you, but I will judge you regardless. I don't see it as a character flaw or anything remotely sinister but it pushes me forward.

Sometime my judgement is off and on other occasions and it has been rewarding. I have benefited from both the good and bad judgements I have made.

Maybe its just a case of what has been termed the Fundamental Attribution Error, A phenomenon which states that we blame the actions of others on their personalities and our own actions on circumstances.

For example if I shout at a teammate it's because I am tired, but if they do the same it means they are rude.

I say this because I truly believe that some of the vitriol I have towards my father is juvenile. I am still but a child, with relatively less life experience than him. The mistakes he made, I could easily make or will do in the future and maybe he didn't have the guidance needed. However my pain won't allow me to accept that fate, I can simply blame him and put it on his personality because it's the cowardly thing to do.

Being the bigger man is hard in this case,I am a judgmental person as we already established; like I said, it is who I am - I judge people; which ties into the whole Cronos issue. If it were me, I could have simply brushed it off and given a circumstantial excuse as I do already for some of my shortcomings.

The recent "victim" of my judgements have been myself. I am now paranoid that I will become what I hate. I am scared that this level of scorn I have held against my Dad now has me thinking about my own offspring. It feels destined at this point that my own offspring will grow up to resent me.

I lose sleep thinking about a son, whom quite frankly I might never have. Will I break down or build false walls to make sure my children won't hate their father, just as much as I have hated mine?

Even though they aren't here yet, I'll leave this note for them, lest the prophecy comes to pass and they grow to resent their father as I did mine.

On that day they come across this, I hope that they will understand better and break the cycle. I pray they know that forgiveness no matter how difficult it is, is the only way to break the cycle.

I fear that it might be too late for me, as I have forgiven my father, the resentment I still feel towards him, will always ironically have a "special" place in my heart.

For reasons I cannot name today, I constantly find it hard to forgive myself.

Just like Cronos, I constantly find this paranoia consuming me like a wildfire does to the grass in a savanna forest during springtime. What of my children? Will I devour them in a pitiful bid to delay the inevitable?

At this point I realize all I need to do is forgive myself and accept my fate.