"Is There a Way Out? My struggle with balancing guilt and responsibility."

Disclaimer: Eheye ndatanga hangu ku deepisa, ko ndini ndadii?

I am angry with the world, but I have so much to live for.

End.

I wouldn’t be mad at you if you were to close this page and go about your day. That opening line has 14 words that encapsulate my experience as a Gen Z millennial trying to figure out how to navigate life.

I'm sitting here, feeling a mix of anger, exhaustion, and a strange sense of survivor's guilt. It's like my mind is a warzone, battling between the desire to let loose and the nagging voice of responsibility.

Growing up, I was always taught the importance of discipline, guidance, and a strong moral compass. These things have undoubtedly shaped who I am today, preventing me from making countless stupid decisions. But now, as an adult, I find myself yearning for a break. I want to rant, be lazy, and even rage quit.

Yet, there's a part of me that holds me back. I have my two-year-old nephew as my wallpaper, two nieces who look up to me, and a reputation as the "cool uncle." It's humbling, but it also comes with a weight of responsibility.

I've often felt guilty about not having achieved everything I've wanted. I look around at friends and family who are facing much tougher challenges, and I can't help but question my right to complain. But the truth is, I'm still struggling. I'm tired of this constant internal battle.

I mentioned survivor’s guilt. From my lens, I do not have what I wish for yet and I am certainly not where I want to be. I got friends, cousins, people I know who have it way worse than I do. How can I complain then? What’s the outlet when you do not feel even remotely comfortable to vent out your frustration because your situation is better than the next man’s.

So many questions, not a lot of answers. Please can somebody tell me, better yet teach me how can I legitimately crash out?

The soccer prodigy that I grew up with, was told that weed helps take the edge off. I wish he had known better, I was shocked to see him now, a soulless shell of the genetically gifted athlete he once was. I don't like the smell of weed plus, I am asthmatic, diagnosed aged 5 so I am sorry, smoking is off the table.

I heard alcohol does the trick, but my best mate’s mom lost an eye to the clenched fist of an alcoholic father. A man that used to be the pillar of the neighborhood, a hero some might say - now behind bars for domestic abuse. Besides can we even afford to drink the good stuff, or our budget is for the illicit brews? The one’s that will have us reeking of sweat and grapes all day? No thanks.

Who then gets to validate my feelings? If they do validate them, then what?

I kind of feel like I just woke up one day with a lot on the line. Imagine yawning one morning and realising that now are being weighed down by tons of expectations, even those of people you used to look up to.

I can selfishly point out that I didn't ask for any of this but I am happy that it did land on my lap. I like the idea of having an image clean enough that people think highly of me. The easier explanation to my confusion is that I am afraid of failure. Letting people down is my Achilles heel, and I feel like I have been doing so lately.

Responsibility and guilt. This has now become the fabric that holds my life together as we speak, I don't know how to separate the two and quite frankly if I could I don't think I would have the courage to do so.

I hate the world, I hate the guilt that I am constantly feeling too but I can't seem to escape this conscience that prevents me from being selfish. I was once a carefree 12-year-old, a hopeful 18-year-old, and a proud 23-year-old graduate. If you had told me back then that I would be where I am now, I would have traded anything for it.

So why do I feel this way? How can I break free from this cycle of self-doubt and frustration?

How does this battle with my conscience end?

I am not alone, and neither are you.

As I am sitting here, pondering these questions, I realize I hold the power and the answers to my questions. I am not that old but my house and a lot of the houses I grew up visiting (friends and family) had the Serenity Prayer hung up on the wall.

I may not have all the answers right now, but I'm taking the first step towards finding peace within myself.

It's a powerful reminder that some things are beyond my control, while others are within my reach. By focusing on what I can change and accepting what I cannot, I hope to find a greater sense of peace and balance in my life, thus I will conclude on this note;

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.