Munesuishe.

"A Pariah's Gospel"

I have taken a break since my last upload sometime in October 2024. In that time it hasn't been lost on me that at least from where I'm looking, it seems everyone is chasing the same thing: to make things “right”.

So, I’ve decided to weigh in and not because I have all the answers, but because I have my perspective. And to be transparent, I’ve been going through some things. I’m healing, slowly. The journey is personal, and progress is not always linear.

I feel guilty for doing well when others around me aren’t, even if my progress is deserved or hard-earned. Some call it survivor's guilt but to me it's just life being complex, denying me the chance to enjoy even the smallest of wins. Moving onto yet another job whilst my brother with a first-class degree and a 2 year old baby is struggling to make ends meet is bittersweet feeling. It’s a lot to carry as I try to grow into the kind of man I want to be.

Ma1.

Survivor’s guilt has crept in at times. I’ve found myself downplaying my talents, my strengths, even my blessings, as if I had to shrink so others could feel comfortable.

And maybe, just maybe, you’ve felt this too.

One of the reasons I started this blog was to address and unpack some of the issues that society tends to sweep under the rug. I wanted to talk about what’s taboo. I wanted to bring light to what’s overlooked. But I didn’t realize how heavy it would get.

Writing demands vulnerability. You draw from your environment, from your own past, from things you thought you’d buried. You dig up old wounds. And sometimes, behind the keyboard, you lose yourself. You forget your own humanity. You try to be the voice of reason, for justice and in the process, you risk becoming the villain.

“To err is human...” as the saying goes.

And here I was, trying to create a utopia for a species that’s always been flawed. A noble goal, maybe. But perfection? That’s a stretch.

Truth is, I find it hard to think about a time in my life when things were truly "right." Somewhere, always, there is a flaw. And yes I have been a victim but i've also been the perpetrator, or sometimes both, on rare occasions but just like Murphy's law my world never feels quite right.

Which raises a question I’ve wrestled with: What is “right”?

My mother has incredible willpower : I know its not an oddity to learn that an African son looks at his mother with reverance or looks up to her as some sort of superhero. In my case however, the devil is in the details - she forgave in a situation which I can never see myself coming out of with forgiveness as the resolution.

For the longest time, forgiveness has been foreign to me. I struggle to forgive myself for the things I’ve done. To compound my misery, I struggle even more to let go of what’s been done to me. I have a bone of contention with someone close to me and I am even afraid that I am going to take it to the grave. Sometimes, I feel ashamed looking at myself in the mirror knowing that I am that cold but at the same time, that's me, I'm just cut from a different cloth.

Forgiveness isn't my portion, in a sinister way I feel way more content keeping things as is.

With everyone trying to “fix” society, and me creating this platform with the intentions of fighting my demons, what is it that I am really trying to achieve?

Truth be told, I got to learn of how deep my Cronos post cut deep amongst some of my family members and those around me who quickly connected the dots and saw where I was headed. To say I was prepared for that reaction would be a lie. That's why I took a hiatus, once it became apparent to me that those close to me may not be ready to learn the truth about how I really feel. I then disappeared once more and stopped posting. Something which has become a consistent occurrence to those who follow my writing.

Which then begs the question, am I ready to confront my demons and draw out my position for everyone to see? Is it really worth all the broken hearts that will lie in my wake after I have trodden on this journey of self-truth and being honest to myself?

26 years old, I cannot really say I have tons of life experience. What I am, however, is someone who is too old to be considered young and too young to be called old - a young man but in the truest of sense.

I risk being a Pariah due to how I strongly feel about a lot of issues and mainly because of my beliefs and how I strongly feel when it comes to these societal issues and my position when it comes to relationships. I try to right my wrongs but feel like I overdo it.

That’s where the overcorrection lies. The fine line between justice and revenge. Between fighting back and becoming the very thing you fought against. This happens in life too. We judge those in power until we get there. Then we start making the same choices — because it’s easy to be corrupted when you’ve suffered before. At times, I’ve asked myself: Am I writing to heal, or to hurt? Am I correcting injustice, or feeding my ego?

It’s a heavy thought. But it’s one that’s taught me something valuable: forgiveness, although difficult it is freeing and brings healing, all in all its a journey i find hard to embark on because it at times I fell it provides an easy way out for perpetrators and continues a cycle of pain and betrayal which is a burden I don't want to inflict on my offspring or the next generation.

I’m still learning. Still stumbling. But letting go, thus far has not been my eventuality. I have decided to put my drafts out there and share my journey with those willing to listen and maybe, I will eventually find some peace which will allow me to forgive. For now, I have only discovered the grace which has come with not engaging those who have deliberately caused me pain.

Yes, I still believe in speaking out. In trying to make things better. But I’ve accepted that no matter what you do, someone will find fault in that because where I come from the elderly can never be at fault. Only to understand that age is indeed just a number because at 26 I still make some schoolboy errors, but I'm graceful enough to accept wrongdoing and correction as I feel it is the example I would like to set.

Someone will misunderstand. The more you try to fix things, the more likely you are to be seen as petulant in someone else’s story. Still, I commend those trying to mend broken relationships, those working to make the world kinder, even in small ways. Believe me I have tried but it has not yielded the fruits I hoped for, so I am embarking on a journey of non-engagement or non-compliance. I don't know the proper term to use.

I pen this not as a cry for help, but as a confession, an attempt to finally be honest about how I’ve truly felt over the past five years. In many ways, this is A Pariah’s Gospel. Simply Munesuishe; a titular post bearing a name of mine, one often hidden behind an initial. Just an “M.” on my ID card; Willard M. Nyahumbi. A name unbeknownst to many, much like the burden I’ve carried quietly, now brought to light in this post - one that has sat silently in the drafts folder for far too long.

I am someone who is consumed by a lot of love, resentment, passion, hate and unbridled rage. And Willard the person has come to learn that before the cause I may stand for, before the argument, before the fight for change and what's right; people are people first.

Selfish. Complex. Brilliant. Flawed.

And for me that’s what makes this all so damn hard, brutal and real.

As am I.