Penance - 01

Lately, I have been dealing with a lot of convoluted thoughts. My emotions have been all over the place. For a time, it seemed like everything I did was guided by an overwhelming sense of guilt.

It is easy to let go and be reckless. Recklessness in a way is a part of growth. Which explains why society allows for a little bit of carelessness and the freedom to make mistakes or a couple of bad decisions. How one chooses to navigate that part is telling but, in the end, the desired outcome is to reach a state of mind where one develops at the very least, the ability to tell between what’s right and wrong.

Definitions from Oxford Languages · 

penance . noun .

punishment inflicted on oneself as an outward expression of repentance for wrongdoing

Similar: atonement, expiation, self-punishment, self-mortification

Accountability is a bitter pill to swallow but a necessary step towards the goal of becoming a better person. I have played a telling role in the unhappiness of many individuals I am acquainted with and broke a couple of hearts on the way. It becomes very apparent how everything is going wrong as you notice how your circle dwindles the more you act unjustly towards others.

Gaslighting and manipulation have become so ingrained within me that I have been able to use them to a point where I can weasel myself out of being accountable for my actions. As I hold on dearly to whatever is left of my conscience, thinking of the person I am turning into, I cannot help but be disappointed at my transformation into a deplorable nihilistic human being.

Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages · 

nihilist

noun

a person who believes that life is meaningless and rejects all religious and moral principles.

You see, the thing about self-awareness it that even when you are being a bad person, consciousness is not lost upon you. I know when I am making a bad decision but choose to make it anyway. I am fully aware as I am engulfed by the guilt that has taken a hold of me as a result of my selfish decisions. It starts to get scary when your conscience turns into a non-factor and becomes something you can easily ignore.

As I embark on my journey to redemption, I am trying to apologise for the mistakes I have made, the hurt I have caused and mend the bridges I have burnt – all in an attempt to salvage the relationships I can or the fabric of whatever is left of them. It is not lost on me that some of the receptions are going to be cold, as most of them have been and I know it is because most people are doubting the sincerity of my actions, which is to be expected.

This, however, is my penance.

Intentionally putting myself into situations where I have to ask for forgiveness and engage with people I have illtreated is a penance given how much I value my pride and ego and how I have to stop prioritising it now.

As narcissistic as it may sound these are some of the reasons why a lot of parents fall out with their children as some never find it within themselves to make amends and would rather risk the relationship failing than bring themselves to admit to any wrongdoing.

Realising that when you are the wrongdoer you lose all the bargaining power and any moral high ground to demand peace or forgiveness is hard enough. Trying to develop patience as part of your strategy as forgiveness takes time and is not a given in any situation is tougher. It puts you at the mercy of whomever you seek favour from. It’s painful and putting yourself through all that pain and work for someone who can turn you down or refuse to forgive you is a tall order. Putting yourself through the ringer some might argue, that is penance.

Guilt is a very powerful emotion, and it can weigh you down. I have been blessed to be weak enough to surrender to guilt because in essence that has resulted in me being a better person. Acknowledging my wrongdoings and seeking to make things right.

This is not something I am proud of, but I have resorted to carrying myself through this pain driven by my guilt, to go out and right my wrongs but it has come at its own cost. My pride and ego are at an all-time low.

In the end, using the pain I am going through as my penance to punish myself and make amends is a net positive and a humbling experience I needed to go through.

This wasn’t something I was keen on sharing, but I hope it gives someone the encouragement they need to make things right with their loved ones whilst the opportunity is still available.

Rejection trumps regret.